A December Evening

It has been an year since I last logged in.

Believe me the year has been a roller coaster ride with lots of highs, some lows, interesting turns and unexpected twists.

Now, what brings me back to you after a year of being off the grid?

https://www.facebook.com/adecemberevening?ref=ts&fref=ts

Coming out with a book soon.

Like the page to know more :)

See you soon 

My Sweetheart, My Brother

I had a lot on my mind and a lot more on my hands. I was doing my work when suddenly I had the urge to surf Facebook. Yes, Facebook, one of the easiest ways to get distracted and lose track of time.

Scrolling through the timeline I stopped to like a photo from my brother’s farewell. I scrolled further but just a post later I was back at his photos. I sat and looked through all the photos from the Farewell and the After-Farewell Party.

Once I was done seeing the photos, I sat and wept. I lost track of time completely and went through the album of memories. Every single moment spent with my siblings carefully captured and kept at the back of my mind.

I start to cry again as I write this.

Where did all the time go? When did my little brother born on 12 July 1996 grow up to stand tall (taller than me, finally!) as a 17 going on 18 smart and handsome adolescent?

Right now I just want to hug him and tell him all this

Imran, I love you. You mean the world to me and a lot more. If I could, I would write every happiness in the world in your fate. I don’t know if you remember but I as kids when you were 3 and I was 8, whenever you got scolded for some mistake it was I who used to start crying before you. I could never see anyone hurt you in any way.

I have always wanted life to give me the best. If there is anyone I wish to see happier than me it is you and Ayesha. I want you both to reach success in your respective fields and bring pride to our parents. (Tell Ayesha, there will be another emotionally charged write-up for her sometime but this one is for you alone.)

I haven’t been a really close sister. During the years when I wanted to be next to you the most, I had to be away. My career choice, my life, my ambition distanced us but only physically. At heart, we have never been apart.

I know how much the tumultuous times in my life have troubled you, Imran. I know how you value every little thing that is related to me.

Being away wasn’t all bad though. It has made me realise how much I love you and how much you really mean to me.

It has also given me the chance of acting like the youngest and the brattiest of the three. I know when I come back home every six months, I have a brother and sister waiting for me. Waiting to fulfil all my little desires – shawarma, ice-cream, pizza get together and so much more. Thanks sweetheart.

Dear not-so-little-any-more brother,

Step into this challenging world very carefully. Be mindful of all the pitfalls you have been warned about. Remember the values you have been taught. You don’t have to commit all mistakes on your own, learn from the mistakes of others and don’t repeat them. If you ever err, know that there is someone here who is always there for you. Someone who will not judge you, someone who will accept you and help you get over whatever mistake you make.

(I promise I won’t tell mum like I have as a kid. Believe me it was only always for your betterment but I won’t tell on you now.)

As your Board exams approach, I know the pressure that is there for a good result. You have the added pressure of two outstanding results from your sisters to live up to. Go out there confident! Surprise everyone. Ace the Boards better than your sisters.

Every single moment I am going to be praying for your bright future. Till the day you join the course and college of your choice, I am not going to be able to breathe easy. Especially till April, I am going to be as tensed as I had been during my Boards. You remember those dreadful days, right?

I am always there 24/7 for you via Gmail, Skype, WhatsApp, phone and any other means you can think of.

May Allah guide you and help you in all your endeavours.

Love and best wishes,

Yours

Fatima

PS. Love you brother. You mean the world to me and a lot more.

Mushy Movie Marathon

Okay that was one weird title. But that is exactly what I did. Some days back  I need to destress after a Pharmacology test,; one that deserves no mention, not on my blog, not in my life.
So I sat and watched 4 movies all with a mushy romantic theme. It was one of those times when I have so much I don't want to think about anything and just get lost in a different world. So I chose to get lost in a world of romance.
(I can almost see my sister's unique rolling eyes at me expression when she reads this, especially the above paragraph. Ayesha dear, just don't vomit with all the mush here. :P )

I started with A Walk to Remember. The movie is beautiful beyond words. Obviously after this movie every girl wishes for a Carter like miracle in her life. The most beautiful thoughts from this movie were

"Love is like the wind. You cannot see it but you can feel it."

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”

***

Next was Trance. It left me in a trance. Loved the genius behind the storyline. Yes, the hero was drool worthy too but first things first. There were some deep thoughts in the movie.

It hurts when love cheats or betrays and it hurts when love is suspicious. But it is fatal when love becomes an obsession.

Also One never stops loving someone. Either they never did or they always will. Nothing in the word can make you forget your true love.

***

After two Hollywood movies, it was time to shift to Bollywood. Next in line was Lootera.

It is a poetic movie as one of my friends described it. There was lot in the female lead that I liked. She trusts easily, loves unconditionally, is passionate about writing, likes winter wonderland and can never let go of her one true love.

There was one scene which I loved.

The male lead realises how the female lead is way out of his league. He decides to distance himself from her by getting involved in the work at hand and end their courtship for good. The female lead, disturbed by the sudden distance between them, goes up to him and questions why he was doing this. 

He answers as best he can ending it with "Behtar hoga aap chali jayein" (It will be better if you leave this place.)

She replies in a calm composed way, "Behtar hoga aap mar jayein" (It will be better if you leave this world.)

The pain of unrequited love, the anger of disappointment and all the emotions of the moment beautifully summarised in two lines.

The movie had many currents running through One that struck me was No matter how deeply a loved one hurts us, love finds the power and the strength to forgive and trust once again.

Also the movie reiterates One never really forgets their true love. Either they never did or they always will.

***

Lastly I watched Raanjhana. I had heard rave reviews and so much about the movie that my expectations were risen many-fold.
Note to self: Never expect. You are bound to get disappointed.

People had said it had awesome acting and an interesting storyline. I searched for the interesting story all throughout the movie but in vain. Probably the movie was very similar to life. A bag of mixed emotions and deadly confusions.

There are may other things I can say about it but I may be labelled for giving the movie so many labels.

So let's end it here.

Once again the moral of the story was One never really gets over their true love. Either they never did or they always will.

Yeah that's all I learnt from the Mushy Movie Marathon. I was looking for a way to de-stress but watching the Bollywood movies in the end was the wrong step. It should have been the other way round. Bollywood followed by Hollywood or at least better Bollywood choices.

For now, that is pretty much from my side. My books await my return but sleep looks more inviting.
Sleep it is.

Goodnight books. See you later.

C'est la vie world.

Mushily yours
Fatima

We Will Always Miss You, Sir

22^nd May 2013, my birthday started with his class. It was a brightening start to a special day. Dr Arshad Anjum, one of my favourite faculty members was taking class. He ended the lecture with his infectious laughter. The laughter that will haunt us forever and ever.

I reacted in disbelief when a friend messaged saying that you had passed away. It couldn't be true. Spoke to other classmates and found them crying since they had heard the news. Checked Facebook, the source of this ghastly news. The recent comments that flooded your photos all said the same thing. I still refused to believe. That smile in the photos looked so within reach. The smile that will haunt us forever and ever.

I messaged a friend who would tell me what was true. I messaged him fighting against all the logic in front of me, hoping against fate. It would all turn out to be a nasty rumour. Sir was still hale and hearty. Before I could hope any further, a message beeped. It’s true, he is no more.

You had once told me how the world worked. You told me not to give a damn shit about my image. I didn't have to pay attention to what people said or thought about me. What mattered was what I wanted to do. If something was right in my eyes, no one’s opinion mattered. You weren't related or known to me. However, you weren’t just another faculty member. Your lovable personality, easy approachability & lively attitude made you different.

Malaysia you had said would be your new abode. We were happy to see you happy though it was difficult to see you move away from Aligarh. When the news hit, I felt the hollowness of your last promises. You had said in class. “I’ll always be there for you when you need me. Don't worry. I'll be more than happy to help you. I'll just be an email away.” You did leave but for a place beyond our reach. You left for a place whose boundaries we can never breach.

Henceforth, my birthday will always be a reminder of the day we last saw you. The last day in the company of a person who left his mark upon us in so short a time.

It will be a torment to attend the Forensic Class on Monday & Wednesday mornings. You will forever be there smiling between slides, intercepting the class with your jokes and walking up and down the stairs in the lecture theatre. All your little gestures, the attendance lists, the impending exam timetable and the exam reviews that followed – everything will be fondly remembered. No one will ever be able to replace you.

We love you, Sir. We will ALWAYS miss you. May Allah bless you with all the bounties of Jannah.

Happy Diamond Jubilee!

The blog celebrated it's Golden Jubilee Post on Sunday, September 30, 2012.(http://dynamicexistence.blogspot.in/2012/09/happy-golden-jubilee.html)

And on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 I am celebrating my Diamond Jubilee Post. Yes, 60 posts written till date. What makes me happy is it is a mixed genre of 10 posts that contributed in turning my Golden Jubilee to a Diamond Jubilee.

Family, friends, well-wishers, critics, readers, inspirations and above all Allah... Thanks for giving me another reason to celebrate.

For the Diamond Jubilee celebrations, I thought of something different. 3 lucky people who comment on this post will get a chance to have a post written all about them. So go ahead, try your luck.

Remember me in your prayers.

Gratefully Yours
Fatima Khan

Postscript: If someone wants to gift me a Diamond for the Jubilee, you are always welcome. ;)

Confused Ramblings of my Heart

I will always miss her...

I am where I belong & the house means a lot to me even today. But the one who made it home is no more.

I dreaded returning to the city. Why was it necessary?

I lingered in the courtyard as long as I could. As I entered the house, my eyes searched for her, my heart wished she was here but my mind knew she would now never be near.

Thankfully due to the recent renovation work, the rooms were differently set. If all would have been exactly the same, her absence would have struck me hard.

I distracted myself for a long time. Finally I decided to pay attention to my feelings. Surprisingly, there were none. My heart was bereft of all feelings.

There was a sudden pang of realisation. It went away as suddenly as it had come. It has been the same as long as I can remember.

My heart has decided to shield itself as long as it can. I know the reality but my heart fails to accept it. I cannot comprehend why it is so or when the point will hit home. Maybe never.

I have decided not to fight myself any longer. My mind knows. My heart does not want to listen . Fine.

I won't think about it any longer. Let me tell you about something else...

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, just one last thing... I will always miss her...


PS. The post is all about the confused ramblings of my heart as I entered my maternal grandmother's house first time after her demise.