Showing posts with label ambition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ambition. Show all posts

Monday, January 27, 2014

My Sweetheart, My Brother

I had a lot on my mind and a lot more on my hands. I was doing my work when suddenly I had the urge to surf Facebook. Yes, Facebook, one of the easiest ways to get distracted and lose track of time.

Scrolling through the timeline I stopped to like a photo from my brother’s farewell. I scrolled further but just a post later I was back at his photos. I sat and looked through all the photos from the Farewell and the After-Farewell Party.

Once I was done seeing the photos, I sat and wept. I lost track of time completely and went through the album of memories. Every single moment spent with my siblings carefully captured and kept at the back of my mind.

I start to cry again as I write this.

Where did all the time go? When did my little brother born on 12 July 1996 grow up to stand tall (taller than me, finally!) as a 17 going on 18 smart and handsome adolescent?

Right now I just want to hug him and tell him all this
Imran, I love you. You mean the world to me and a lot more. If I could, I would write every happiness in the world in your fate. I don’t know if you remember but I as kids when you were 3 and I was 8, whenever you got scolded for some mistake it was I who used to start crying before you. I could never see anyone hurt you in any way.
I have always wanted life to give me the best. If there is anyone I wish to see happier than me it is you and Ayesha. I want you both to reach success in your respective fields and bring pride to our parents. (Tell Ayesha, there will be another emotionally charged write-up for her sometime but this one is for you alone.)
I haven’t been a really close sister. During the years when I wanted to be next to you the most, I had to be away. My career choice, my life, my ambition distanced us but only physically. At heart, we have never been apart.
I know how much the tumultuous times in my life have troubled you, Imran. I know how you value every little thing that is related to me.
Being away wasn’t all bad though. It has made me realise how much I love you and how much you really mean to me.
It has also given me the chance of acting like the youngest and the brattiest of the three. I know when I come back home every six months, I have a brother and sister waiting for me. Waiting to fulfil all my little desires – shawarma, ice-cream, pizza get together and so much more. Thanks sweetheart.

Dear not-so-little-any-more brother,
Step into this challenging world very carefully. Be mindful of all the pitfalls you have been warned about. Remember the values you have been taught. You don’t have to commit all mistakes on your own, learn from the mistakes of others and don’t repeat them. If you ever err, know that there is someone here who is always there for you. Someone who will not judge you, someone who will accept you and help you get over whatever mistake you make.
(I promise I won’t tell mum like I have as a kid. Believe me it was only always for your betterment but I won’t tell on you now.)
As your Board exams approach, I know the pressure that is there for a good result. You have the added pressure of two outstanding results from your sisters to live up to. Go out there confident! Surprise everyone. Ace the Boards better than your sisters.
Every single moment I am going to be praying for your bright future. Till the day you join the course and college of your choice, I am not going to be able to breathe easy. Especially till April, I am going to be as tensed as I had been during my Boards. You remember those dreadful days, right?
I am always there 24/7 for you via Gmail, Skype, WhatsApp, phone and any other means you can think of.
May Allah guide you and help you in all your endeavours.
Love and best wishes,
Yours
Fatima


PS. Love you brother. You mean the world to me and a lot more.







Saturday, November 24, 2012

Swooning at Surgery

No no no...!
Before you get all worried that I had a black out during my posting at Surgery, let me assure you I did not.

It's is just that I fell for Surgery...
Do I sound like I fell in love or something? I think, I do... Let's consider that for a moment that happened. ;)

I joined college a week late & didn't know what to expect. I was guided by my assorted group to the Surgery Out Patient Department (OPD). Once there I just followed the group. And then started the OPD examination.

I witnessed about 10 consecutive P/R (per rectal) Examinations. Felt nauseated. And then we had the 11th case. Brushing nausea aside, I stood there. I looked at my watch and was caught in the act by Shanawaz Sir... Looking at his watch he calmly informed "I guess Ramadan timings are over. There is still an hour till you leave." I flushed. The saving grace was Sir didn't know I'd never come during the Ramadan timings... I'd joined that very day.

Finally the P/R examinations & my 3hours of nausea came to an end. Today I feel that was Allah's planning to sensitize me to what lay ahead.

Next memorable OPD was on a Monday. I had been to the OPD on a Monday earlier & the team did not seem intimidating. Who knew the next Monday I'd almost swoon?
Homesickness compounded with having no food for almost 24 hours resulted in me having a strong black out sensation by the time I reached the OPD. I just sat on an extra chair placed there not caring to ask any of the Seniors. Major fault on my part but as I said the team wasn't intimidating. Shahbaz Sir came out of one examination room & while going into the next, I noticed the tough look he gave. When he finally came and stood right in front of me, I (feeling like a flustered fool) asked him for permission to sit during the class. (We normally stand for 3 hours).
He asked me to fill in investigation slips along with Rafi Sir(JR3) & Tauseef Sir(JR2). I am not sure the Junior Residents heard because I just sat there staring at the proceedings with no one telling me anything.
Then came Prof. M. A. Khan. I lost my chair within minutes. It still took time for me to stand and I kept leaning on one thing or other... If this wasn't enough Sir sent me to the Dressing Room twice. I couldn't stand and he sent me walking around. Then he asked me some question that I barely heard. I was concentrating on seeing to it that I don't collapse. The question was a basic thing & I am sure he must have thought I was a moron to not know the answer.
Finally the 50minutes drill came to an end without me fainting.

Alhamdulillah, next Monday onwards I wasn't as clueless. :)

Ward teachings were quite eventful too.

Started with Dr. Amjad Rizvi. Saw others presenting Patient History & Examination (H/E) to Sir. Thought it was quite easy.
Went to my room that day and prepared for it. Enthusiastically volunteered to take the Patient's History. It was a Mr Ram Swaroop with an abdominal lump.
Shahbaz Sir took class. And I must have given one of the worst Patient History. I can never thank Sir enough for not saying anything that day. (As my friends told me later, "Pata nahi Sir ne kaise itni buri History sun li. Aur koi hota to tumhari waat lagna pakka tha")

Later though I was the first choice when it came to H/E.

Another class was that of Dr. Hassan Harris. He came, he got us nervous, he made us realise how less we knew & Sir unknowingly also gave us ideas on what we could do while we were there.
While telling us how insincere we were towards postings he told us how we must have just sat through the 2 hours before he came. According to him we must have been playing on our mobile phones, or surfing Fb, or chatting. Until that day I didn't even realise all this could be done in those 2 hours. :p
Jokes apart, I enjoyed his ward days. 99% of the History or Examination always came to me. Many were scared of his cross questioning or just didn't want to stand at any risk of irritating him.
By the end he finally brought it to the notice of the group that a change of H/E was in order.
So for his next class I did the H/E and handed it over to two new faces.

And then came the most memorable class. I will refrain from mentioning the teacher's name.
He came, he performed & he left. And I was left seething with anger.
He entered class half hour before it was to get over. While listening to the H/E he asked one of us the definition of pain & then the class became a pain. The definition was followed by characteristics, types & all about pain.
He said we didn't even know where it was in the book. To prove his point, he asked us to find it in our books and show it to him. I happened to be the one who found it in a minute. (I'd read it almost everyday.) And the focus shifted on me. He asked me to read the definition which I did.
Then without any pre-disposing reason he said how he didn't expect me to understand English or even know what was meant by what I had just read out to him. I was told to read out all the definitions and then translate them in Hindi.
If only I could have told him I barely make my way with Hindi. Genius, I was born and brought up abroad! He spoke at length and soon I was numb. I lost track of where I was, why I was there, who all were there with me - completely lost. The only interesting thing to me then was the pattern on the floor around my feet. I kept staring at the ground for a long time.
I was pulled out of my reverie when he raised his voice once again. And I heard my group saying my name in hushed whispers... He was asking me when our exams were? It took time for me to comprehend his question and on being prompted I replied. This was the cue for his second round of mind-numbing rant.
His next question would have caused me to split in laughter if I wasn't so numb.
After accusing the only NRI in the group, who had a host of literary laurels behind her, of not knowing English, he asked whose English was the best. I continued staring at the interesting pattern on the ground.
Finally after what seemed like ages, he left.

Wasif Sir's classes were a breeze... His only tirade against me came on the last day of his teaching. I hadn't even made the mistake he corrected but sometimes we just have to learn to brush aside certain things.

Anees Sir also had a couple of classes with us... If there's something one learns from him is to explain. Talk to him & he will explain at length about any given topic in a  manner that is unique to him.

Some others I'll remember are Tauseef Sir, Kaushal Sir, Anmol Sir, Pradeep Sir, Bhoopendra Sir & Mansoor Sir. Thankfully, they weren't like the JR I'll tell you about soon.
Naved Bhai, Thanks for giving us Monday OPD. No matter how many times the timetable changed, one thing was constant.


The best part of all the teachings and the OPD was that I enjoyed it. I did not faint, vomit or leave the ward at any point.
I survived witnessing ileostomy (thrice), saw all amount of blood, fungation or abscess without the typical nauseous look, did P/R examination 4 times & almost became a pro at diagnosing a particular condition.

There have been other experiences too... I won't name the people but some did make the posting very......interesting.

Like there was this JR who had some unexplained problem with me right from the first day.
I was talking to some girls in the OPD on the first day. Noticing him giving me the angry looks I moved away from the group just in time to be saved from his short lecture on behaviour in the OPD.
At another time I reached the OPD very early thanks to my addiction with Surgery & he made me stand for half an hour in a deserted OPD. I'd still respect him as a Senior if he hadn't done that.
Another instance found him at a loss for a chair. The only chair happened to be the one on which my bag was very comfortably seated. If he had it his way, he'd thrown it off but he couldn't. There was someone there to take care of me. So he resigned but let his discomfort be known by the looks... He just had to give that particular look. Even when I see him now, it's there.
He doesn't know but my group did a Head-to-Toe kind of General Examination on him once.
Hairstyle - No comments
Looks - No Comments
Dressing Sense - No Comments
Nature - No Comments
In Short, he wasn't worth our comments at all.

I gave an answer once in someone's first ward teaching with us. I got a memorable reply from the consultant. "Aisa hai, bakwaas to tum karo mat." (Don't talk nonsense.)
Thankfully Sir didn't remember that later and was all praise when I took the H/E on his following turns.

Then there was another teacher who said I was insincere during the whole course of my posting in Surgery. He said I had shown no interest at all. At another time he rated me -1/10 in class.
I just want to tell him these things some day:
I still miss Surgery posting because I WAS ACTIVELY INVOLVED in it.
I was the one whose Surgery Manual was copied. I did not write my cases in one sitting from someone's file.
I remember what myopectineal orifice is. Believe it or not, I'd read it from Bailey & Love, not SRB. I even carried it home during Eid holidays to study. It ended up being my album cover. (I had borrowed the book from Maulana Azad Library & still haven't found time to return it.)
And when sitting in a position of power, you ask me whether you are right or wrong... I will definitely lie to you.

And now coming to the end of the posting. The Viva.
The teachers taking it happened to be Shahbaz Sir & Anees Sir... Thanks for giving me the happiness of getting the highest marks. According to my sister, that couldn't have been possible...
Thanks to the one who was responsible for me getting addicted to surgery... You made the impossible happen. ;)

And now that I am in Medicine, I am working hard to like it like I liked Surgery but it is difficult. As they say, one never forgets their first love... In my case, I won't forget my first ward posting. :)

Above all thanks to Allah for all the highs, the lows & everything in between.

Surgically yours
Fatima Khan

Monday, November 12, 2012

Happy Diamond Jubilee!

The blog celebrated it's Golden Jubilee Post on Sunday, September 30, 2012.(http://dynamicexistence.blogspot.in/2012/09/happy-golden-jubilee.html)

And on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 I am celebrating my Diamond Jubilee Post. Yes, 60 posts written till date. What makes me happy is it is a mixed genre of 10 posts that contributed in turning my Golden Jubilee to a Diamond Jubilee.

Family, friends, well-wishers, critics, readers, inspirations and above all Allah... Thanks for giving me another reason to celebrate.

For the Diamond Jubilee celebrations, I thought of something different. 3 lucky people who comment on this post will get a chance to have a post written all about them. So go ahead, try your luck.

Remember me in your prayers.

Gratefully Yours
Fatima Khan

Postscript: If someone wants to gift me a Diamond for the Jubilee, you are always welcome. ;)

Friday, July 29, 2011

Will It Matter In The Long Run?

Have been chatting with a new found friend recently & we had a spontaneous exchange of thoughts brought about by a totally random sms chat session. It's time I shared them with you.

From infancy we are brought up with a certain amount of fear. Fear of God, fear of parents, fear of the person who'll take us away if we don't listen to our parents, fear of displeasing someone...
As we grow so do our fears. No, don't deny. Yes, we realise Santa's not coming & no one's going to take us away. They dare not. We know all the Emergency Numbers by then...

Our fears are about expectations. We fear the consequences of failing the expectations of our teachers, schools, parents', extended family, society and above all our own.
We spend our lives in fear. Very rarely do we fail so badly that we come face to face with our fears...We fear whether the class monitor has written our name for talking during class. We fear whether the boy/girl at the front of the class will invite us for her birthday party or not...We fear this a lot.
Then we enter the rocky teen years. For those who do fall in relationships at this age, fear of heart-break is constant. Fortunately I never had to live with this fear ;) I believe there's a time for everything. Teenage is definitely not the time for relationships... There's so much to enjoy. Wait! There are other fears too. Fear of what do we say why we aren't following a certain trend is a MAJOR one.
Shifting to the oh-so-important pre-college years. We fear every step of ours. Will this lead to our goal or take us back to square 1?
Enter the tween years & the fear of missing the job of our dreams or a long-awaited opportunity...

We glide through it all...Everyone does. Yes, there are ups & downs. MAJOR ups & downs...but it all passes.

If & when we take perspective of our life years later when we have that top job or our choice of career, (people rarely do for fear it might disappoint them)...we realise that at many times we did fail. The bigger truth is that failure didn't prove fatal. If one tries smartly enough, failures are stepping stones to success...

One may have all that they feared they won't and then they have a new fear-"What if they lose it all?"

In the long run none of our fears matter. What matters is whether we are living a wholesome life accepting & enjoying the consequences of our independent decisions.

My friends, let go of the fears that don't allow you to breathe freely, that inhibit your potential. Sit back & enjoy the ride. No, I don't promise it's going to be a smooth one but fearing doesn't solve any problem. Face the fears & enjoy the bumpy ride. ;)

Until next time,
Fearlessly yours...