Confused Ramblings of my Heart

I will always miss her...

I am where I belong & the house means a lot to me even today. But the one who made it home is no more.

I dreaded returning to the city. Why was it necessary?

I lingered in the courtyard as long as I could. As I entered the house, my eyes searched for her, my heart wished she was here but my mind knew she would now never be near.

Thankfully due to the recent renovation work, the rooms were differently set. If all would have been exactly the same, her absence would have struck me hard.

I distracted myself for a long time. Finally I decided to pay attention to my feelings. Surprisingly, there were none. My heart was bereft of all feelings.

There was a sudden pang of realisation. It went away as suddenly as it had come. It has been the same as long as I can remember.

My heart has decided to shield itself as long as it can. I know the reality but my heart fails to accept it. I cannot comprehend why it is so or when the point will hit home. Maybe never.

I have decided not to fight myself any longer. My mind knows. My heart does not want to listen . Fine.

I won't think about it any longer. Let me tell you about something else...

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, just one last thing... I will always miss her...


PS. The post is all about the confused ramblings of my heart as I entered my maternal grandmother's house first time after her demise.

Will It Matter In The Long Run?

Have been chatting with a new found friend recently & we had a spontaneous exchange of thoughts brought about by a totally random sms chat session. It's time I shared them with you.

From infancy we are brought up with a certain amount of fear. Fear of God, fear of parents, fear of the person who'll take us away if we don't listen to our parents, fear of displeasing someone...
As we grow so do our fears. No, don't deny. Yes, we realise Santa's not coming & no one's going to take us away. They dare not. We know all the Emergency Numbers by then...

Our fears are about expectations. We fear the consequences of failing the expectations of our teachers, schools, parents', extended family, society and above all our own.
We spend our lives in fear. Very rarely do we fail so badly that we come face to face with our fears...We fear whether the class monitor has written our name for talking during class. We fear whether the boy/girl at the front of the class will invite us for her birthday party or not...We fear this a lot.
Then we enter the rocky teen years. For those who do fall in relationships at this age, fear of heart-break is constant. Fortunately I never had to live with this fear ;) I believe there's a time for everything. Teenage is definitely not the time for relationships... There's so much to enjoy. Wait! There are other fears too. Fear of what do we say why we aren't following a certain trend is a MAJOR one.
Shifting to the oh-so-important pre-college years. We fear every step of ours. Will this lead to our goal or take us back to square 1?
Enter the tween years & the fear of missing the job of our dreams or a long-awaited opportunity...

We glide through it all...Everyone does. Yes, there are ups & downs. MAJOR ups & downs...but it all passes.

If & when we take perspective of our life years later when we have that top job or our choice of career, (people rarely do for fear it might disappoint them)...we realise that at many times we did fail. The bigger truth is that failure didn't prove fatal. If one tries smartly enough, failures are stepping stones to success...

One may have all that they feared they won't and then they have a new fear-"What if they lose it all?"

In the long run none of our fears matter. What matters is whether we are living a wholesome life accepting & enjoying the consequences of our independent decisions.

My friends, let go of the fears that don't allow you to breathe freely, that inhibit your potential. Sit back & enjoy the ride. No, I don't promise it's going to be a smooth one but fearing doesn't solve any problem. Face the fears & enjoy the bumpy ride. ;)

Until next time,
Fearlessly yours...